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Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Psychic Vampire Repellent

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Psychic vampire repellent is a new product in the ongoing fight against the supernatural. Today the company selling it is selling a $30 toxic-smelling repellent called Vampxor. According to its website, Vampxor contains “essential plant extracts and pheromone signaling compounds that will repel and remove evil energy from your body while enhancing the body’s own immune system.” Basically, the product claims to give you better health in return for spending a lot of money. Okay, that makes a lot of sense, but let’s look more closely at what this vampire repellent really does.

To start, the vampire repellent bottle says it contains essential plant extracts and pheromone signaling compounds that will “to repell and remove evil energy from your body while enhancing the body’s own immune system.” But those words do not mean anything, does it? How can a bottle of repellant that supposedly removes evil vibes from your body to help you with your health? Just how effective is this repellent?

Well, we’re not sure what the product actually contains. The internet does, though, provide links to a press release posted by the producer of psychic vampire repellent. In it, he says the main ingredient found in Vampxor is “phytolipids,” which are also present in the bodily fluids of vampires, although they cannot actively cause vampires to suck blood. The press release further says the phytolipids in Vampxor will “reduce” the size of the infected person’s blood vessels so that their blood flow is reduced and they become more prone to infections. Sounds like good news, doesn’t it? It sounds as if the company may have finally gotten rid of the most prominent cause of vampirism.

In any case, what does the company recommend to get rid of a psychic vampire repellent attack? According to the Vampyrix site, a person should drink the recommended Vampxor cap several times daily before sleep. After applying the formula, wait at least thirty minutes before washing the face or any other open skin on the body. Use a clean cloth to gently pat off the formula onto the exposed skin and then wash the cloth in hot water. Pat the area dry, apply a sunblock and look for the best results before bedtime.

Another product recommended by Vampyrix is their Soothing Vampire Bat Formula, which is supposed to eliminate the vocal criticism of vampires and other supernatural beings that feed on blood. The formula is supposed to eliminate a person’s fear of vampires and should make them feel better, think better, and be less likely to feed on a person. According to Vampyrix, vampires should drain the life right out of a person by speaking severely and leaving the person feeling sick and tired all the time.

The Vampyrix company produces several other sachets they claim will assist with your protection against vampires. Their “Protective Mist” is a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic, therapeutic oils, reported to banish bad vibes (and protect you from the people who may be causing them.) Their “Vampire Weed” is a spray-able elixir we can all get behind. They claim their Vampire Weed will help you with protection, will keep you “totally legal” and make you “feel like a million bucks.”

But there are still more products. According to the Vampyrix website, “some people in the entertainment business have begun to adopt a hybrid of protective mist and vampire repellent as an efficient means of keeping Hollywood’s bad guys away from our precious sleep girls.” Their product line includes vaginal steaming products, sachets, and even a vaginal suppository. And while we’re talking about vaginal steaming we have to tell you that the Vampyrix website has also developed what’s called “the ultimate sexual aid,” which is a product they call, well, the ultimate sexual aid. Their product line is entitled, appropriately enough, “the ultimate sexual aid.”

So now the question becomes, do you want us to spray a chemical on you or do you want us to give you a special elixir that you can take with you wherever you go? If you want us to give you a special elixir that you can take with you everywhere then that’s what you’ll get. If you want us to spray a chemical on you don’t really care if the chemical burns your skin or doesn’t get behind your c-section scar then that’s what you get.

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